Finding Balance
by ResilientWriterGirl
Summary: Tuckson; How do Ed & Olivia cope after a rough day working for the NYPD? Family. (sorry for sucking at summaries) OneShot.


**Disclaimer: I Don't own the characters, but damn I do like to play with them. This was written in the middle of the night & mistakes are mine. Enjoy! **

"All units, please be advised we have a 10-43 at…" the voice continued on, remaining calm and steady as dispatch always was. Olivia was used to hearing dispatchers after being on the job for so long; it was almost as if the calls had become the same background noise as car horns honking in the distance. The city never slept and the constant noise was proof.

Pressing her foot down a little harder on the gas pedal, the worry etched across her face. Her mind was racing but there was just one overall thought: get there now. Get to him NOW.

Unless she got a call herself, she rarely paid much attention to dispatch, but this time had been different. She'd been a little on edge all day. Something just felt _off_ but Liv didn't know why until she heard about the hostage situation where an NYPD officer was apparently being held with a family. A man had taken a woman and her young son at gunpoint, leading them back into their townhouse. After some negotiation, the perp let in one officer and refused to let him leave. The details were sketchy, but no matter what exactly was happening, Benson knew she had to be there.

Ed had transferred to Hostage Negotiation almost six months ago, and though it was never easy, it had been a rewarding job. He felt more in his element there than he ever had in IAB and Olivia supported him in his career move, as she did in all things. That, however, didn't mean the job would never cause major anxieties for them both.

Liv was halfway to the scene when Fin called her with more information. Ed wasn't just part of the negation team, he was inside. _He_ was the officer in the townhouse with an unstable man who had a gun. The eerily familiar situation had Liv in panic mode. Sure, she was an officer who'd been in horrendous circumstances before, but the Joe Utley incident had been one of the worst. On top of being in a house with a crazed man and his accomplice, she couldn't stop an innocent child from being raped. The moments in that townhouse haunted her in nightmares and flashbacks for months, and now Ed was in a similar situation? Life was a real bitch.

Her breaths came out in short bursts as hot tears spilled down her cheeks. _Get it together Olivia. You don't know what is happening inside that house. Ed is okay. He has to be okay._ Her thoughts were halted as the car in front of her stopped abruptly. Luckily, her body reacted before her mind had time to catch up and she hadn't rear-ended the SUV that remained still just ahead of her. She peered out the window and saw the traffic jam.

 _God damn it! Now is not the time for this!_

Unable to move as vehicles were surrounding hers, Liv had a fleeting thought to just bail and run the rest of the way, never mind that it was too far to go on foot. Minutes crept by at an agonizingly slow pace while she called everyone she could think of for more information on the situation. "No more news yet" and "nothing new" were her only answers and she was ready to scream.

 _This cannot be happening to me. I'm finally happy. I finally have the family I've always wanted with the man that I love more than anything and now that may be taken away by some asshole with a gun? No. I refuse to let that happen. Christ can we just move already? I need to be there! I have to be there for him like he was there for me!_

Finally, the cars started moving. _I'm coming baby. I'm on my way to you._

* * *

The scene unfolded in slow motion before her: blurs of people moving around, EMTs on standby waiting for the mother and son to exit the house, voices in the distance but none distinct enough for her to actually hear what was being said. Shots had been fired but she hadn't discerned who was injured, only that there was at least one injured and one killed before she'd arrived.

The voices grew louder and Olivia recognized that meant people were exiting the townhouse. Unable to look, dreading the seemingly inevitable sense of loss that was bound to occur, she took a deep breath, steeling herself for the impact. As her eyes finally rose, she blinked away the tears and took in a sight that knocked her breath out of her chest. Ed Tucker was walking toward the ambulance with a small boy in his arms, covered in blood. The unmistakable sound of a mother's wailing followed as he handed the child off to medical professionals.

His eyes, already haunted by the trauma of the day, scanned the crowd until they landed on Olivia. He hadn't spoken to her since that morning and knew she'd be pissed at him for complying with the perp and going into that situation, but he couldn't be more relieved to see her. They both took off in a half-walk, half-run toward each other, closing the distance in between them with haste.

Disregarding the blood covering his arms and chest, Liv pulled him into her embrace and couldn't hold back the sob that escaped her lips. _He's alive. I can breathe again._ Ed's hands held her close, one around her waist holding her against him, the other tangling in her hair as he cradled her head into his shoulder.

"Why?" she choked out, almost whispering it harshly as she let out a breath. He wasn't naïve enough to think her question was about one specific thing. There were too many 'whys' to ask in that moment. Why did the perp do it? Why did he shoot the little boy? Why today? Why did Ed transfer to Hostage Negotiations? _Why the hell did he go in there?_

Pulling back slightly, Ed's broken eyes met Olivia's and he answered simply, "Because he reminded me of Noah." She could have crumpled up against him, and probably would have, if he hadn't been holding her steady with his strong arms. Her nod was almost imperceptible, but he saw her immediate understanding. She would have done the same thing.

* * *

Walking through the door to their apartment, Ed was surprised to not hear the small patter of footsteps or the giggles that usually greeted him upon arrival.

Answering the silent question in his gaze, Olivia spoke softly, "I texted Lucy and told her to take him to the park for a little while. We need time to clean you up." She nodded lightly to his clothes. His upper body remained marred with Jeremiah Carson's blood, _too much blood from such a little boy._ The extent of the day's events hit him like a semi, the anguish clouding his blue eyes that were usually so clear.

"Come on Ed," she whispered, taking his hand and leading them through the place, past every room until they reached the bathroom.

Liv grabbed a washcloth from the shelf and ran it under warm water. After peeling his shirt from his toned chest she examined him, unable to convince herself that he hadn't been physically harmed. A bruise was starting to form on his lower abdomen where the perp had hit him with the butt of his gun, telling him to back off. Ed watched as Olivia ran her fingertips across it gently, as if willing away the harm that he'd faced.

Her gaze avoided his until she brought the washcloth up to his shoulder, running it down one arm softly, yet hard enough to remove the evidence of disaster. Tucker watched the blood swirl from the rag down the drain as she rinsed it out before repeating the process and wondered briefly if he could wash away the memory that easily. He hadn't seen Jeremiah's face as the drugged out bastard pointed a gun at the child, instead he saw Noah. In that moment, he knew he'd do anything to save him.

Olivia heard Ed's gasp as he realized he was standing in the middle of the bathroom clad only in his boxers. He'd been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed her removing his clothing. Quickly throwing off her own clothing as well, she stepped forward and dragged his boxers off too.

Ed watched as she adjusted the water temperature just right and let her guide him into the shower. She poured a generous amount of his body wash into her hands and lathered his chest and arms. Olivia took her time, feeling him and committing him to memory. She saw him standing there in front of her, yet she felt as if he was just an illusion, a figment of her imagination because there was no way he made it home safe after today. She had horrible luck, so it must be some sort of cosmic joke where she finally found happiness and it was ripped away, right? He saw the struggle written on her face but could do nothing to sooth her worries in that moment. He was struggling just as much with everything as she was.

Her hands caressed his muscular arms in circles as the red-stained water swirled off of him. Part of him wished the water was warmer, though any hotter and it would have been scalding, just so he could feel something instead of that heavy emotional pain in his chest. Finally an active participant, he reached for Olivia's arms and pulled her into him, colliding his chest against hers while his lips traced just under her jaw. He tilted his head slightly, kissing her lips instead. As he moved to deepen the kiss, she stepped back suddenly, though just barely disconnecting their bodies.

Tear-filled eyes took in the sight of him. Shower steam behind him, water pelting their bodies, she noticed the confused expression on his face.

"Ed, that won't help anything right now," she acknowledged sadly, wanting to take away his pain but knowing it would be better if they didn't prolong the inevitable.

"Liv," he rasped, stepping closer to her once again, though this time with different intent. Bringing her arms up around him and enclosing him in her embrace, she consoled him.

"I know baby. I know." The silent sobs racked through his body and she felt him shake against her. Earlier he had been strong for her, holding her up, and now it was her turn to do the same for him. They had found a balance in each other. While one needed a moment, the other would give it, no questions asked. His head buried deeper into her neck and she felt his tears against her skin. _What I wouldn't do to take those tears away, to take that pain away._

Minutes passed, as did his sobs, and Liv finished washing his body. She was meticulous and made sure that there was no more physical traces of what had transpired, wanting to protect him as much as possible.

Eventually they made their way out of the shower and dressed in silence. She knew that he needed his space to collect himself for a moment, slightly ashamed at his outburst earlier. He knew he shouldn't feel that way, but he couldn't help but want to be the strong one for Olivia all the time. He liked to be leaned on and wasn't quite as keen to lean on somebody else in such an emotionally raw way. She was the only person to see him cry as an adult, other than his family at his mother's funeral. He trusted her like he'd never trusted another person in his life.

Exiting the bedroom, Liv texted Lucy and let her know that she was welcome to come back with Noah any time. She filled the girl in on the general outline of the day's events so she was prepared for the subdued mood in the apartment. Brewing coffee for herself and Ed, she took a moment to close her eyes and be thankful that Ed was alive, to be thankful that he'd come home to them once again.

* * *

The couple was sitting on the couch, Ed against the side and Olivia leaning into him. He played with her hair, a soothing gesture for both of them, and relished in the normalcy of the evening. Hearing the key in the door, they sat up and prepared for Noah's boundless energy to waltz in.

In true Noah fashion, the little boy ran in and latched on to Ed's legs right away. "Daddy! I miss you today. Lucy say you has a bad day. I sorry." He picked Noah up and hugged him close while Olivia watched, her heart bursting with love.

Lucy smiled lightly and began, "Sorry Liv. I was hoping he'd run out most of his energy at the park but as you can see, no such luck. His nap was a little longer today than usual."

"That's fine. I wouldn't expect any less from him. He always seems to be full of energy lately. Thank you Lucy." Olivia gave a small smile in return and walked Lucy to the door before informing her that she'd taken a personal day and didn't need her the next day.

When Liv turned back around Noah already had a book and was sitting on Ed's lap.

"Do you want me to read _Love You Forever_ to you buddy?"

Noah immediately shook his head and shouted, "No daddy! I read to you!" Ed and Olivia both chuckled lightly at the boy's antics and she noticed that Ed seemed a little lighter for the first time that day.

"Okay Noah. Start reading to us, sweet boy," she cooed, taking her spot against Ed once again.

"Once upon time, there a baby in a blankie with his mommy. Then he growed up and get bad. He throwed away all of mommy and daddy's stuff in da potty! Mommy say, 'Baby, you not listen to mommy and you go in ta time out.' He get sad and listen and then he hug mommy and say sorry. She sayed she love him…" Noah's version of the book had the adults suppressing laughter and rolling their eyes at him. He'd become much more animated and outspoken since Ed had come into their lives. While he was still shy around new people, Noah had really opened up at home and Olivia couldn't be happier about his progress. It just reaffirmed what she'd known: the three of them were meant to be a family.

* * *

The soft rhythm of Noah's breaths against her neck lulled Olivia into a sort of peaceful trance while she sat one their couch trying to process the day. She had come so close to losing the only man she ever loved who had truly known her in every way. He knew her mind, soul, body, and heart in unimaginable detail. Before, she'd never come close to letting someone in so close, but with Ed it just sort of happened naturally. He let her in with equal ease and it had been the best thing that ever happened to them.

Ed returned with a solemn expression and she immediately sensed something was wrong.

"Jeremiah died in surgery. They uh, they couldn't stop the bleeding." He ran his hand over his jaw, trying to rein in the emotion. She watched him look down at their sleeping son, trying to remind himself that there was still good in the world, despite what the morning had been.

She stood, careful to not shift Noah in her arms too much, and walked over to where he stood.

"I'm so sorry Ed. You ready for bed?" She saw the internal battle that raged between wanting to stay up and watch Noah sleep and the need to hold onto his wife for dear life. "Come on. Noah can sleep with us tonight. I think we need to be a family."

Once in bed, Noah was curled up into Liv's side as Ed reached out and held her waist. A nightmare caused the little boy to whimper and eventually wake. He eyes opened and peered up at his daddy as Ed took his arm away from Olivia and pulled Noah close.

"It's okay No. It was just a bad dream. Daddy's got you." The boy's eyes closed once again and he drifted off.

Ed laid awake enjoying the quiet. This was his happiest place on earth. As long as he stayed in bed with his perfect little family, nothing bad could touch them. They would make it through anything together. Eventually, the horror of the day would pass and he'd fill up his memories with happier times, times that were sure to include the two people he loved most. It was then that he realized he wouldn't need the bad times to easily rinse off of him like the blood did in the shower; he just needed more hugs and joyous moments to coat his arms with strength so he could endure those times as well. The bad times made the good times that much better, and damn he liked the good times. When he found Olivia he found more than just love and family, he found balance.

* * *

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